If what Cheri Huber says is true, and you’re not flawed, damaged or “not enough” – now what? Are you worried that you won’t strive, create or work to improve your life?
It’s a common belief that in order to move forward we need to push ourselves from a feeling of insecurity. But that story results in a cycle of emotional highs and lows as we quest to fill the hole and then find it below level – yet again. Just when you thought you’d quieted your inner doubts with proof, hard work, maybe even money, there they are again. Sometimes stronger than before.
Here’s the thing. You’ve (we’ve) been asking the wrong questions. We’ve been asking, “How can I make these doubts go away, or at least appease them? What can I give them to shut them up? What shovel is the magic shovel?
Our doubts scare us. We feel bullied by them so we use the same strategies we would have used as school children – ignore, submit, appease, placate, negotiate, fight back, fantasize, and/or join. None of these work for long, just like they don’t with real life bullies.
Instead, why not try a new approach. The first step is to notice the ‘bully voices,” ultra critical or harsh, lot’s of I should, why didn’t I, whats wrong with me, I never, I always, etc. Do your best to just notice – I know, it’s hard- maybe write it down or rub your knee when you notice it. AND, this is crucial, give the voice(s) a real name. Why? Because that will begin to change your relationship to them. That’s what we’re after.
The second step is to notice your reactions to the “new name here” voices without acting on them. Do you jump up to distract yourself (eat, watch T.V., drink, check email), do you get anxious until you do what it says, do you shame yourself for not doing what it says, are you angry at it for “making” you feel bad, etc.? Just notice.
Step Three. Not really the third step, really a throughout the first two steps kind of thing…be kind – to you. This is new. New skills require encouragement and patience. You’re asking yourself to withstand discomfort. Try yoga or meditation to practice breathing through and with discomfort.
You are always welcome to poke around at Move Into Change. If you’re ready, let’s see if we can work together.