We’ve All Got ‘EM


question-1Every now and again, a client will come to me and ask directly for coaching to increase self-confidence.  More often, though, issues with self-confidence show up while we’re coaching toward other things. Important things like clarifying a career direction, writing a resume, practicing for an interview, or coaxing shy desires into the light. Usually, a client will ask me a question that let’s me know that there’s something about self-confidence there to explore.
Here are some typical questions:
  • Aren’t self-esteem and self-confidence the same?
  • Is, ”Fake it ’til you make it.” a viable strategy for building self-confidence?
  • If I were more self-confident I wouldn’t feel afraid, would I?
  • What gives me the right to call myself an expert?
  • If someone exudes confidence it means they feel confident, doesn’t it?
  • I don’t feel confident about this, so I guess I never really ever was, right?
I’ll go out on a limb here and say that you harbor at least one inaccurate or incomplete idea about self-confidence that affects your success no matter what success means to you. Most of us do. I’ve got a few of my own.

 

There Will Be Failure

You’re going to fail. I will too. During this winter holiday season we will all fail in some way or other, at least once. We’ll say the wrong thing, omit a present, eat poorly, rush ourselves and our loved-ones, maybe snarl at someone just doing his job, or worse, snap at someone close to us. Most of all, we’ll forget that we have control over how we react and a choice about how we manage moment to moment. (For tips about how to Turn Your Day Around in 180 Seconds, you can get the Move Into Change newsletter here.)

Failure is real and, though we might not realize it, we’re successful because we fail not in spite of it. We fail continually during each and every day. When something doesn’t work out (a form of failure) we adjust (a form of success) until we transform a small mistake or an epic fail into a different success. Ryan Babineaux (Fail Fast, Fail Often) calls this process “failing forward,” a term I’ve come to adore.

So what of the failures you’ll inevitably encounter during the next few weeks? How can you take some control over the sense of overwhelm that causes you to miss opportunities? How can you strengthen your relationships? How do you ease the stress that causes you to make a default choice instead of acting on a deeper commitment to yourself?

You can begin by understanding more about the value of failure (look for future posts).

And, you can pause to bring some compassion to yourself for your mistake.

It’s possible to pause any situation you’re in. It’s possible to take a mere 5 minutes to check – in with yourself so you don’t check-out by responding more like a puppet than the terrific person you are.

Often it’s at this time of year that you wish you had already built stronger  resilience so you’d have something to rely on now, when you need it most. If you’ve already been practicing, the holiday season can make it more challenging to carve out 30 minutes to meditate or an hour to exercise amidst all the shopping, wrapping, cooking, cleaning, socializing and traveling.

It’s never to late to start to develop your Pause Ability. You don’t need a guru, fancy equipment, or find non-existent hours to devote to it.

And, with the gift of the pause, there will be success.

New In 2015 INTRODUCING! The Pause Ability Place.

I’d love to hear about the miniscule and gigantic ways a simple pause helped you. Or, if you use PauseAbilities, tell me about that. I’ll share your stories in future newsletters (with your permission, of course). If you aren’t receiving the newsletter yet, you can see a sample or sign up and get started on making change in your life with my complimentary workbook, “Permission Granted: Move Into Change With Your Own Approval,” here.

A story from my life to start us off …
The other day, I was organizing my office closet. It was going pretty well. There were problems and re-adjustments that flowed so quickly from one to the next the process felt almost effortless. Then, there was that moment… half of my files, books, coaching materials and office supplies were still piled up outside the closet and the closet was full. Ugh. After too many tries, I still couldn’t figure out how to make it all fit. Frustrated, I was tempted to walk away or shove it all in  and slam the door (not gently).

cartoon-lady-closet1-246x300

Instead, I paused. I noticed the tightness in my chest & shoulders and the tizzy I was in. I could hardly sense my legs because there was so much going on in my mind; “Look at the mess, I’ll never find a place for everything. What possessed me to start this project today?!” I needed grounding. I took out my phone and following the prompts from PauseAbility #3, I felt some relief. I realized I was trying to squeeze an idea from my frustrated mind, and within the space of the pause, a new idea came to me. Ah, much better.

Here’s another…

I am holding this space for you to reply to me and share your story that will appear in our Pause Ability Place coming in 2015. With the next story be yours?

Warmly,

Judy

 

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Wednesday Words

confidence myth #2_bPerfectionism is one of the biggest obstacles to self- confidence.

There are many myths about confidence, and, there are terrific practices to help us stay connected to our confidence and to develop more. While we actively increase our internal and external assets, it’s important to look at the patterns of thinking and believing that get in the way of self- confidence too.

I didn’t even know I was dealing with perfectionism until I started to explore patterns of behavior like avoidance, procrastination, and refusing to say Yes! when a good opportunity came my way and then regretting it.   “Who me? A perfectionist? Me, who can’t even ….” as I went on to list all the ways I wasn’t perfect enough to even call myself a perfectionist — Oh my.

So I did some experimenting. I acted like I was using perfectionistic thinking even though I wasn’t sure. I took to observing where the “never going to be good enough” voices were so quiet and powerful I barely was aware of how quickly I reacted to them.  And yup, the data showed me that it was time to take a look at how to interact with this “stuff.”

If you want more self-confidence, find yourself doubting your skills, avoid things you really want, and then doubt that you even want them, you might experiment with seeing how perfectionism shows up for you.

If you are already experimenting, I’d love to hear how it’s going.

Judy

Judy@moveintochange.com