I usually have a freak out just before I’m about to break new ground…

I never remember that when I’m in it.  It isn’t until after, when I’ve felt the shift and made some change that I realize what’s been going on. What makes the difference isn’t just having the freak out, if that were true I’d be someone quite different right now.   The trick seems to be knowing I’m in a freak out, and then using the tools I’ve learned over the years to find my way back. Even if it takes as few days to remember I even have them. Even if it takes days to notice I’m in a freak out.

Or a week. Like it did this time.  This one built for days and ended with me getting sick. Sick? I went through the whole winter, flu everywhere, and not even a sniffle. But this week, the week I’m putting myself out there about the Artful Insight Collage Workshop, learning how to use email marketing, writing the stuff (trying for engaging, clear, not annoying invitations), planning the class, buying materials, negotiating with Pound Ridge Recreation, telling business owners in town about the workshop, worrying about sign ups.  This on top of meeting with and corresponding with my beloved clients. Out there, out there, and more out there.

Did I forget to eat well? Check. Did I abandon Mediation? Check. Did I obsess? Yes. Were there some other factors in personal life that have me a bit ungrounded? Sure. Was I somewhat aware that I was pushing beyond healthy for me? Yes. Did I pay attention? Not really.

And then  “out of the blue” I get a raging fever and stomach yuck.  Hmmm…

So a big thank you to my body for the head’s up. And a ton of appreciation to myself for all the work I’ve done around self-compassion and permission; because as I crashed, I knew what had happened and I didn’t criticize myself for it. No shaming or demeaning myself for having acted out the over-work pattern again. The self-critical pattern  (at least in this instance) – kaput! And, I gave myself permission to rest – without guilt. Without worry, or admonishing myself for “wasting time.” Total permission to sleep, read, rinse and repeat.

Then the magic happened. The next day, I flew through hours of writing and planning with ease. On the other side of the freak out, the world looked brighter and new ideas were coming so fast I had to use my voice memo app. to keep up. The speed and flow felt entirely different than the hair-pulling of days before. This song kept playing in my head, so a little gift for you for fun, or freak-out.



Meditation Monday Day #100: Ta Da!

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Yay we did it!  I’m feeling quite good about this one hundredth day of meditation practice. 100 pats on the back, 100 butterfly kisses, 100 imaginary trumpets, and/or 100 bags of sparkles – whatever celebration floats your boat. Let’s just say, I’ve never been this consistent about meditation. Ever. Cue the dancing girls – wait, I am the dancing girl!

So what’s come out of it so far?

Beyond the bits of discovery about going in reverse to go forward, and finding new capacity for receiving compassion, which, by the way, would have been enough, I’ve noticed that when I don’t meditate I can feel the difference- big time. I didn’t really get that until this morning, when for the third day in a row I was avoiding sitting, and noticed that despite yoga practice, I’ve been weirdly ungrounded and unfocused for the past few days. Ding.

Yeah, “duh,” but instead of going down the beat myself up for not getting it sooner road (I know you know that one), I sat. And, ohm my goodness…the difference. There it was. I’ve leaped from meditation as an experiment in commitment and self-compassion into the realm of, this s–t is important to me.

So what now what? In anticipation of this day I’ve been thinking and poking around on the internet. I found the 21 Day Meditation Challenge with Deprak Chopra and Oprah (ChOprah?), which started in March, but can be downloaded for free anytime. Not my cup of tea, but could be yours. I found an old book on meditation and there’s some interesting meditation techniques in there that I might try, though this mindfulness mind training is pretty great.

Any suggestions of what I might try next?

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